Is He her Dom.. or Advisor? (Day 109)

6-3-15 Wednesday

she woke up in a terrible mood. she was normal in terms of family and just being around the house. It was just her submissive mood that was really in a bad state. she’d been heading for a submissive breakdown for awhile now, but she’s been happy with how much she cares for her Sir and how much she feels he cares for her.

His control has been headed in the wrong direction, because she’s needed more discipline and correction, not less. Why would she argue with mercy by expressing her disappointment? she’s been saying that she’s lost and confused for weeks now, she’s been talking to other Doms about how confused she is, but they tend to want to have her and she’s not available. she loves her Sir, she hasn’t been planning on going anywhere, but she’s feeling like she’s about to completely lose control and that scares her. If her Sir is loosening up on his requirements and her rules, then that means the line has moved and she has to find it again, because she likes to stand on it and walk on it. she has a really bad sense of direction and she doesn’t know where she’s going unless she’s on that line. Now she feels she’s in the middle of nowhere and is going nowhere.

her sugar was 73 and she didn’t know what to do. When it’s below 78, she becomes confused. she had tested it at 6am and she drank water, but did nothing else until after 9:30. she resisted the urge to have cake for breakfast, she had an egg and a sausage instead.

she talked to a couple of Doms today, but she didn’t think that they were real. her Sir doesn’t really enforce anything anymore. she did something that she was never going to do again. she checked her first Doms profile, she’s still in his circle, his status was still the same from when she was last with him, and he was last online May 9th. The way it happened was that she was talking to another sub that said that she was still in contact with her first Dom and rose became obsessed. she knew that she shouldn’t but she had to, she had a strong urge to do that, it could have been controllable, but concern about punishment was no longer in her. she remembered some things about her first Dom that she didn’t like, but she’s beginning to miss him.

When her Sir took control he didn’t allow her to do things and she was punished for doing things she wasn’t supposed to, but that’s not really the case anymore. There have been alot of changes, and she regrets telling her Sir about her stress, because she felt that at that point he left her and in April he became more and more of an advisor, but he wouldn’t let her submit to anyone else. Just following suggestions and advice is an empty life with no consequences. her submission was dwindling.  her first Dom would punish her severely with spankings and he wouldn’t stop until he thought she’d learned her lesson, he didn’t have very much mercy. she misses having discipline, she’s not doing so well without it. she knew that one of her first Dom’s rules was selfish, the one about her eating 3 times a day was just because she had been too weak and dizzy to follow his sexual instructions after her punishment, because that had to happen every time, although she didn’t really want to. she was never comfortable doing sexual things with him, not like she is with her Sir. she knew that he was at least somewhat selfish and his rules were selfish, he thought of her in terms of what he could do with her alot, but she thought she had to. she didn’t even know that she was a slave or sub or what any of that meant. It wasn’t until after he released her that she learned Master/slave and Dom/submissive, she decided that she was a submissive and that trying to make a slave out of her wouldn’t work.

her Sir had told her to take an unsupervised punishment by putting rubberbands on her nipples or using ice. she was already in a chaotic emotional state in which she was about to give up on being submissive. So those punishment ideas only made it worse, because she felt even more alone and abandoned. she decided that she’d rather take a nap. she had been talking to people all day about how lost and confused she felt. her Sir said that he’d be more strict. He told her to do the punishment, but she was going to take a nap and she got him to agree. Not that disagreeing would have made a difference. she’d been declining because her Sir was letting things go and she was losing her feeling of submission. she was able to continue to function as a submissive because of her friend, rare and because of SB, but rare was gone. SB called her on the phone. i’d tell you about it, but this time it was private due to her crisis. He told her to talk to her Sir. she wasn’t immediately planning to, but her Sir asked what was wrong. Ordinarily she would resist saying anything that might upset her Sir, but she was affected by that conversation with SB and it just came out. she said that he hasn’t been giving her much guidance or control. That she felt out of control and that he felt more like an advisor than her Dom. Sometimes she felt like she didn’t even have a Dom. she said that she’s been doing whatever she wants lately and for the past 3 days she hasn’t felt obedient anymore, that she felt that his Dominance was a gift, but now she doesn’t have it anymore. she said that he’s enforced nothing, but still claims to be her Dom. That she’s about to lose complete control.. (go into a complete ocd frenzy or something) and that she was scared. He said that she’d been through alot of changes, it was difficult for them to both be free for a punishment, and that he felt that scolding wasn’t enough. she said that scolding was enough and even if it wasn’t, it was still better than nothing. He’d said that she’d been looking for direction from other Doms and she was. Not only was he not enforcing anything and not scolding her, he wouldn’t even provide her a firm word or decision and he wouldn’t tell her what to do at all anymore, at least not in a way that made her feel that he was her Dom. He had become her friend and her advisor, that can’t be allowed. If he is under too much stress or he feels that she is, then this needs to end, but she’d like to still be friends. she said that she felt like she was losing him too. she’s always said that “i can be alone all by myself” and she was feeling alone and Domless. He said that he was being compassionate, not lax and that he was worried about her. she doesn’t see that as compassion or caring at all, she said that she appreciated the allowances sometimes. Then it turned into allowing everything. she said that even if she’s upset she still needs to stay focused and she still needs direction and his control, that would have made her feel better even about things that were completely unrelated and it allows her to cope with real problems better. He said that he understood, that he would punish her tomorrow on Skype, and that he was sorry that he hasn’t been at his best and hasn’t been there like she needed him to be. she said that she had wondered if he wanted to be her Dom. He said that he really does. That settled it for her, he’s still her Sir and for today she’s happy with that. He sent her bed and she was happy with that too.

she thinks it went well, except for being told she was going to be punished. But maybe that’s good. And anxiety that she hadn’t had in a long time shot up like blood pressure. she asked if he even cares he she calls him Sir. So her Sir was commanding when telling her that she should always address him as Sir. But still she wasn’t convinced that he cares about that, because he rarely reminds her. At first she didn’t want to have to say “Sir” all the time, but now she does, because she understands now that it calms her, makes her feel like she’s behaving, how it makes her feel complete, and that she needs to say it everyday. her first Dom didn’t allow her to call him Sir unless she was in trouble and then she was punished extra for every time that she forgot. she didn’t understand why she was constantly misbehaving, but it’s thrilling to her to say “Sir” and it was worth being punished for. Yet it’s hard for her to say “Sir”. It’s not a habit and she needs to be reminded, scolded, or punished when she forgets. she loves to say it, but her critical self feels that it’s embarrassing and that part of her refuses and stangles her so that she can’t say it, but it’s easier if she feels that she’s expected to say it. Yet, she doesn’t know if she should say it in every sentence, it feels redundant and boring if it’s said in every sentence and she fears that it might lose meaning. she doesn’t want it to lose meaning, because it’s very important to her.

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