Scolded.. Sort of… Finally… and Confused (Day 111)

6-5-15 Friday
she hasn’t been scolded in a really long time. she enjoys her Sir’s calm talks about her behavior, but she really misses being scolded. He hasn’t scolded her since that time he’d hurt her by saying that she’s not a child, which is the same thing her husband said when he’d rejected her submission.

she almost couldn’t talk to him over the phone after that, because she feared being scolded like that again, rejected like that again. If he’d scold her exactly the same without saying that to her, she’d be fine. He’d triggered that pain she felt and she was vulnerable. she thinks that maybe he’s afraid to scold her now and her Dom cannot be afraid of scolding her. That’s like a tightrope walker being afraid of heights or a Life Guard being afraid of water. If he really is afraid of scolding her then he just can’t be her Dom, she doesn’t want to lose him, but she misses him, she talks to him everyday and she still misses him because he hasn’t been scolding her or guiding her or even being firm with her. she’s been on her own. she is comforted by a firm voice, it’s like home. SB has been her comfort and he’s kept her from going over the edge and freefalling. she knows she’d be fully out of control if that happened. It would take any word in the right tone to save her. she’s still submissive even if she falls. And her submission can be triggered against her will, she doesn’t know how that works, maybe it’s a chemical reaction in her brain or something.

she hadn’t done her report and was online. she’d forgotten that her Sir had said to do her report before coming online. she’d even forgotten that she didn’t have it done. she told him that she forgot and asked if she should log off. He said that she didn’t need to log off, so she was confused by that. she was also in the midst of playing her game. she started her report while playing a game and being on EP, but then she had to leave home to go to a preschool parent/child lunch. she told her Sir that she had to go to a preschool event and logged off. her husband took her to McDonald’s to grab a lunch and she said she wasn’t eating anything from McDonald’s. He said there wasn’t time to go anywhere else, she pointed to the restaurant across the street. He said that there wasn’t time to get a meal to go. she said that she wasn’t hungry then. she was fine with not eating, it wouldn’t have bothered her at all. But he took her to the restaurant. she felt sort of like a spoiled brat, but she had stopped eating from McDonald’s food, she wants food that’s healthy and food that bacteria isn’t afraid to touch, food that mold can grow on. If her Sir had been giving her any kind of guidance, then she would have been respectful and she’d have found something safe and edible at McDonalds. When she returned her Sir wasn’t online, but he’d messaged that she could now remain offline until her report was done and she was confused again. she felt like she was being punished for going to eat lunch with her 4 year old son. After reading that message she logged off, she turned in her report and logged back on shortly afterwards, but not immediately.

she thinks she was scolded today. It’s been so long that she’s forgotten what it’s like. her Sir had told her to do her report before going online and she felt the implication of consequences in his message and she loved that.

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