she’s Grown With her Sir (Day 115)

she doesn’t have her Sir anymore. she wanted to stay with him and she tried to communicate, but she also communicated with others. she couldn’t communicate solely with her Sir. Sometimes she didn’t even know how to begin.

Yesterday she refused a punishment from him and when he tried to be forceful she logged off. she told him that it was as though they were starting over and that she hadn’t yet submitted to him. she released herself the other day, but he’d told her that she wasn’t leaving and that they’d work it out, so she became submissive to him again. she loved when he’d told her that he loved her too much to let her go. Today he’s thrown her off on someone that isn’t even a Dom anymore, because he thought that he was trying to steal her and that she was submitting to him. Because she kept talking to others about how she needed more from her Sir. she told her therapist that she talked to her exboyfriend today, but she also said that she didn’t have her Dom anymore. her therapist was shocked, she had never seen her therapist so shocked. Maybe her therapist wondered how she could have grown so much because of her Sir, but not breakdown about not having him anymore. she’s thinking that maybe it hasn’t hit her yet. her therapist wanted to talk seriously about that. her therapist recognized how having her Sir has helped her grow tremendously and in unexpected positive ways. rose has loved being with her Sir and she loves her Sir… well… he used to be her Sir, everyone can see that and all he can say is that he’s hurt. But she’s loved him. rose doesn’t regret having met her friends or having had her Sir. she doesn’t regret talking to SB. Those friendships and her Sir have been necessary for her growth and she doesn’t regret growing. she regrets having grown so quickly as to have alienated her Sir. she doesn’t regret communicating with others, but she regrets not knowing how to better communicate with her Sir. her Sir has made her stronger. SB has been there and rg has been there, both have kept her feeling stable when she felt that she was falling, even though she was still slowly sliding down without a strong Dom instructing her. her therapist has said that him throwing her off upon someone else was supposed to cause her to beg him to take her back. she doesn’t beg people to keep her, she figures that people will figure out that she’s worthless and there’s no use fighting that. she values herself, she just doesn’t expect that of others and she’s open to the possibility that there is no one that will value her in the way that she needs and that she will be alone. she won’t do things just to keep someone, not anymore. she does what feels right, except for her misbehavior. Her Sir reinstated that assignment yesterday for her to write about how she’s grown with him. she was having trouble with it and she worked on it. she’ll just post what she has so far and consider it done. :

her Sir has helped her by alot. she’s authorized me to say alot of things a little on the negative side for the past few days, but it’s not like she doesn’t love her Sir. He has had her more focused than she’s ever been. she would lose track of time and have no idea what she’d been doing for several hours. she’d be sitting in the morning and she’d suddenly become aware that the day was nearly over. her Sir would be expecting her report for the previous day and would ask what she’d been doing, but she didn’t remember what she was doing. she rarely ever zones out anymore, she can account for her time now, because she needs to have an answer for her Sir.

she submits in ways that she never would have. she has insisted for years that she doesn’t have a bedtime. her husband would tell her to come to bed and she might have been planning to go to bed very soon, but the fact that he told her to go to bed meant that she had to stay up all night or at least for 2 more hours. When her friend, rare would go to bed, rose would still be up half the night. her Sir started expressing that he was concerned about her not getting enough rest and that he was going to get her on a schedule. He gave her a bedtime and she didn’t complain. her husband wanted her in bed because he has difficulty sleeping alone, her Sir gave her a bedtime because he wanted her to have enough sleep. she enjoyed the feeling of her Sir taking care of her. she’s accepted her punishments for staying up late past the bedtime he’d given her. she’d fall asleep during a bedtime video in the boys room, but she hasn’t done that in months, because her Sir wants her in bed. she always requested to stay up an hour or two later and she was allowed, but when he wasn’t able to send her to bed she missed it and she values her bedtime now.

she has nails now that she didn’t have before. she had a nervous habit of biting them ever since she was a child. her Sir occasionally would say not to bite them and it’s one of her rules. she hasn’t bitten them in over 2 months and she has nails now. When she clenches her fist or has to tighten something with a screwdriver, her nails dig painfully into her hand.

her therapist has noticed changes. she smiles and she is interested in interacting. she has more confidence and she stands tall when she walks. she holds her head up and looks people in the eye, she’s not afraid of them anymore. she cares about what her Sir thinks, but the judgment of others now means nothing. she is worth more than she thought she was. she has always listened, but now she shows interest by asking questions. her eyes contain a story of life that wasn’t there before. When asked what happening in her life she always used to say “nothing”, but now she says “Alot of things” or “i don’t know where to begin”. she laughs like she never has before, she doesn’t fake a laugh anymore and she doesn’t fake a smile. she would cringe at the thought of being touched before, but now she wonders if there’s anyone that wouldn’t mind a hug.

her Sir recognized that she hated her breasts to be touched more than anything. she had never dealt with being molested. her therapist doesn’t help her cope with anything, she only expresses concern and tells her to use her intelligence and creativity. her Sir has had her touching her breasts for 5 minutes twice a day and she didn’t enjoy it, sometimes she felt that it was more traumatizing than helpful, but she trusted in her Sir. she started to enjoy it very slightly sometimes. When her Sir had her doing something she enjoys while touching them, that changed everything. Now she enjoys it very much… too much. she feels them and she gets so heated that she feels that she needs to release. she doesn’t feel that she needs to do that anymore now. she’s afraid to continue because she might become obsessed and she doesn’t need more ocd problems.

she no longer willingly gives in to her ocd. her resistance makes it stronger, but she is stronger with the help of her Sir. The trouble that she has been in is less than a tenth of what she’s capable of, she has put in the effort from the beginning and she never got back in that type of trouble, because her Sir has been monitoring her behavior. Even before he had her account information, she told her Sir the truth. her first Dom was hard on her, but she was still at nearly her full level of trouble. The scoldings from her first Dom had no effect, many times he was too angry and she didn’t feel that he cared about anything but using her. she never did a Skype call with him unless her ordered her to submit to punishment (except once. she remembers that he sang her a lulluby in his native language until she fell asleep.)and then she had to submit to being played with. she has never liked to be played with or used until her Sir. she had given the excuse that she doesn’t like to be touched, but her Sir has taken the time to help her get over her discomfort with being touched.

That’s as far as she got. she had written alot of background about what happened the day she submitted to him, but she doesn’t feel able to share that right now.

she’s been staying offline today. she talked to her exboyfriend and he asked her how she felt about him. she feels that he will always be in her heart and they will always be friends (perhaps with benefits), that he’s her flirt and hers. she was jealous when he got married. He said that he’d grown. she thought he meant in weight. she asked for a picture of him. she got a picture of his… you know. she said that it was nice. He asked for a picture of her. she said that it would have to wait until she had privacy. An hour later she took pictures for him. she hasn’t heard back from him.. she knew it! she’s hideous! *cries* (i’m trying to stop crying.) she’d not have done that if she had her Sir, but she doesn’t, but she won’t be going off the deep completely out of control end. Maybe she’ll just play a little here and there in the shallow end until her lack of guidance takes all of her away all of her willpower and self control.

she hasn’t finished yesterday’s blog entry, she doesn’t even know if she will, but she will post this one. she will try to continue blogging, she will really try. Today she alternates between feeling okay and being in an extreme state of anxiety and her anxiety translates into physical pain. Maybe she will have a Sir, but she doesn’t today.

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