she was looking for another Dom. That’s changed, she isn’t looking anymore. It’s not that she found one, it’s not that she has her Sir back. she realized something.
she loves her Sir deeply. she knows that he isn’t hers anymore. (Stop rubbing it in… i’m being serious.) That’s fine, she has to accept that. she was wrong, she saw that talking to someone else was displeasing her Sir and she continued to do it. she’s sorry. she knows that all her friends are scowling at her right now. Maybe alot of people are scowling at her right now, but she’s glad that she can’t see it. she wants another chance with her Sir. she’ll be alone, she won’t take another Dom. Sir Brian had said to her that her Sir was good for her at one time and that she’s grown with him. she missed her Sir so much that she cried. she keeps bursting into tears randomly. Well, i couldn’t call it bursting… it’s more like streaming tears silently.
her Sir wouldn’t talk to her in private messages anymore. He doesn’t trust her and he said that’s her fault. she sent screenshots of her conversation of her Sir to someone because she wanted help in how to deal with it. she was wrong. she didn’t understand that at the time, but she was. she’s very sorry. she’s learned and she won’t do it again. He posted on her story and it had hurt her, so she deleted them. A woman had posted on her story that this is ridiculous and she deleted that. her Sir wouldn’t message with her and so she blocked him, she blocked that woman too just in case she had something else to say. she didn’t read that woman’s message, it just didn’t look supportive with the first sentence and it was long. she unblocked her Sir after maybe a half hour. she explained why she deleted his messages and why she blocked him. she said that she really misses him and asked him to call her. He said that he would call her and she was happy, but it took him a really long time for him to call her. she felt like an idiot waited for a call from someone that dumped her and doesn’t even trust her, but she didn’t stop waiting. she’s willing to be stupid, she’s really, really stupid, please forgive her. Do you remember when her Sir scolded her really badly about a month ago? He told her that she wasn’t a child and that he shouldn’t have to send her to bed. That was like tearing her heart out and ripping it to shreds, she felt rejected. That’s the same thing that her husband had said to her when she had tried to submit to him. she’d never opened herself to anyone this much before and it hurt just as much as when her mother had died. she forgave her Sir for that, she hurt for a few days afterwards and she worked to build trust again. she did that. Now she’s asking that her Sir forgive her. she’s not saying that she deserves it, but she would like for that to happen. her Sir called her. He talked to her for 45 minutes and for 45 minutes his words hurt her. she apologized at least 10 times. she’d never said “Sir” so much in a conversation in her entire life, she’d have kneeled if he told her to. she knew that he didn’t forgive her. While on the phone with him she deleted that story about looking for a Dom. He is her Sir. He keeps saying that SB is her Sir and that he won’t get in the way of that. His words hurt her at every turn, but she’s here. she’s apologizing. she had permission to talk to SB, she had permission to talk to other Doms, but she’s sorry anyway. she knows that maybe her Sir will comment and it will hurt her again, all she has is pain. she doesn’t feel that she or anyone deserves this type of pain, but she’s here. she’s grown with her Sir, she’s never done as well as she has while she was with him. You say that he’s hurt her and that she should let him go, but you don’t see his pain like she does. she understands what she’s done wrong now, but he won’t accept her apology. He says he loves her, but he rejects her and that’s okay, she just cries again. Nothing is worth anything, nothing is worth doing, and maybe her pain is nothing compared to what he feels and that’s why he keeps hurting her. Maybe she will leave EP, maybe she’ll never blog again. Is that what he wants? Now she has to say Goodnight. she doesn’t have to, she has no Sir, but it’s near the bedtime that she used to have. she hasn’t eaten lunch.. she hasn’t eaten dinner. Even waking up dead is better than not having her Sir. she just wants to sleep, she’s not even sleepy, but this day needs to end. she’s a very bad sub, why else would he not want her? Maybe she’ll think better tomorrow, this apology didn’t turn out like she wanted.